Keeping it Positive

I know, I’ve been away from my blog for awhile. I was able to write while on my honeymoon, yet couldn’t get to it while moving? Weak excuse. But, here I am, in a new apartment ready to take up the positivity project where I left off. I wish I could say there was a lot to fill people in on. Not really. I’ve just been overwhelmed by the move and starting my “new life.”


So, why am I happy? I love my new, much smaller, home. Is it taking some getting used to? Yes! I can hear what every other person in the complex is doing, and realize they can hear me. Yet, the space feels more contained, more manageable. There is cleaning to do, but I don’t feel like crying. It feels like a job I can do. It’s a c clean slate, ready to be decorated and inhabited by a newly married couple. I like that it’s OUR project. Even though John and I lived together before the wedding, that house was not ours. It was someplace we just co-inhabited. We are even picking out new art to put on the walls together. (I knew enrolling him in the art history course would pay off. He is showing an actual interest in different artists and what we look at on a day to day basis).

I received my MA diploma in the mail on Saturday. It’s real! I have a MA degree! I’m going to scan it, have it laminated, and keep it in my wallet. When anyone questions me on any subject I plan on whipping it out and saying “do you have one of these?” OK, maybe that’s a little pretentious, but I can’t say that I care!

It’s a long story, but recently I was the topic of town gossip. Why? Because I had piled up some couches, a mattress and a washing machine in the alley. I guess people thought I was just putting the crap out there hoping it would disappear. In reality, I had called the city and had a big garbage pickup approved. So the big deal? I don’t know. All I know is that one woman told a friend of my mother’s that I was messing up the alley and mother’s friend decided that she should tell mother in case there was reason to be concerned. Huh? Anyway, not a big deal, really just fodder for bored old ladies. How does this make me happy? If this is all they have to gossip about concerning me, I’m doing pretty damn well!

I’m off to put some order to my new home. Anyone want to share their happy thoughts?

Having a tough couple of days on a few fronts. When I am having a bad day, I’m mad, and I’m frustrated with life is really especially when I should be writing here. I tried to come up with even one happy thought and really couldn’t. Today I’m going to dig in and get to work at taking control of my happiness, not let situations or others have that control. I have a pretty good life; it is just bumpy right now. I’ve done bumpy before. Hell, I’ve done cratered with potholes most of the time. I can do this.




I’m happy for: Unexpected friends. One of my best friends is a man named Burt. He makes me laugh and entertains me when I need it. He is in charge of working on the car and is always there when John and I call. I love that while he comes off as sort of a “player,” he is actually kind of vulnerable and sweet when he meets a girl who he really likes. I want to maim some of the girls who have almost gone out of their way to hurt him. Ok, enough, he’s going to kill me for writing most of this.



It looks like I sort of found a job. It’s part time managing life and business of a flute player in Arcata. I’m really excited, it’s going to be a lot of fun and I didn’t expect to find something so fast. I will be working on his website and will post that address here soon.

I’m having a hard time with my third item. Well, let’s just go with the new set up of this blog. I love the template. I love the fact that I fought with it, and fought with it to make it work. I know it still needs some tweaking but I’m pretty proud that I did it all by myself.

Don’t be worried by the tone of today’s post, it’ll get better it’s just growing pains and learning about how to function in what I’m determined to be an adult relationship. Oh, and cars suck. C’mon Samantha – Happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

Taking deep breaths. Move was moved back a week, the new apartment won’t be ready until the 14th. Thank God!! Only having a week to pack and move was a ludicrous idea. My list has been whittled away at little by little. We went and got our official marriage certificate. It looks like an automobile pink slip. John asked where we put his registration stickers. Now I can change my IDs, social security, and well, every other little thing you’ve never thought of that has your name on it.



Why do shiny new things make me so damn happy? How do I let consumerism take over my entire being sometimes? I received my beautiful new coffee pot yesterday. Now, this isn’t the one I originally wanted, the one that grinds the beans itself. It’s just a fancy schmancy one that John and I decided we liked better. Boy, does it make a great cup of coffee! And, it’s so pretty. I know, I know it’s just a coffee pot. It makes me giddy!


On to more lofty thoughts. Hmmm… (Still looking at coffee pot)…as I start packing and cleaning I’m fighting a little frustration. There is still wedding debris, that beautiful coffee pot came with a pile of stupid packing peanuts that are still littering my floor (glance at coffee pot for inspiration). How is this positive? I have friends that know and empathize with this frustration. Are they messy like me? No. Yet, when it comes time for me to do a monthly bulldoze through the house someone always shows up to lend a hand. This move is no different. I have received many offers of help. How cool is that? I just wound everyone up in a day all about me, and they are still willing to lend a hand when it’s still all about me. I swear, after the move I am doing something special for each of these friends and relatives. Gee, I see a future blog subject – three special things for those you love and who love you back.

Yesterday one of the errands John and I went on was to his bank to check on the account I have no way to touch. This has now officially been designated as the “house fund” account. Yes, I Samantha Natasha Weiland Pankey may, someday, a few years from now, own a house. Mind blowing even thinking about it. I never thought I’d say the words “we are going to buy a house.” It will be tough, and there is a lot of work to do. But, I want my own home. A place where I can paint the walls whatever color I choose. I can get whatever pet I want. I even have the responsibility to fix what breaks. Here I am, miles away from the person who never thought she’d be good enough to even think about doing this, actually making plans for VA loans and First time buyer’s credits and towns we would like to live in. Thank you John for helping to make this possible.

Oh, that list I started? Honestly I’m going to try and get back to it this weekend. Please leave a little note and let me know these thoughts are reaching someone! (Comment grubbing, a new low – check out this great post about how happy comments can make a blogger:  http://www.thewritingwomb.com/2010_06_01_archive.html   The Naked Writer makes me happy!)



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We are moving! In a week! Yikes!! Our landlord offered us a mold & mildew free apartment for much less rent than we are paying now. It is much smaller and I will miss being in an actual house. But, for the coughing to stop and to be able to actually save some money so that we can buy a house, I will put up with it.


Positivity – I put my first ad up on Craigslist to tutor students over the summer. I know chances are slim that I’ll be contacted, but actually putting up the ad is where I win. I’m taking my life into my own hands and am preparing to do something with it. I am not letting myself spiral down into negativity, saying that I can’t leave the house, can’t work, and can’t contribute to the outside world. I can do these things. I will do them.

I am weeding out all of my old dishes, pots and pans, and clothes so that we have less to move and will not have to get a storage unit. This is liberating. There are pieces of Tupperware I’ve been carting around for maybe 15 years – toss it! Old mismatched plates? Give them away! Clothes I’ll never wear? Sell them! If it actually stops raining this weekend I’ll have a garage sale. The money we make from selling miscellaneous crap and some appliances that need replacing will go into the special house fund secret bank account (secret meaning I don’t know the account number nor am I able to access it).

Related to weeding out kitchen – I am such a grown up now. I have matching everyday dishes that match the drinking glasses that match the coffee mugs. All of my silverware is the same pattern. I have great, great pots and pans. I’m going to love setting up my new kitchen. Materialistic? Maybe, but damn, it makes me happy.

Mini happy thought – as I write this John is sleeping on the living room floor alongside the couch. He missed me after I woke up. Is that sickeningly too cute?

Today is the start of a new work week, the real start of my new life, and the day I get off my rear and take care of those little things that are filling my to do lists.


Speaking of my rear, did anyone know exactly how much fat and calories was in Nutella? My friend Wrye (who despite what I may be thinking right now, I love dearly and nearly cried when I saw her for the first time in six years) gave me my first actual jar of the stuff with strawberries. I was eating ladylike bites of strawberry with a little Nutella on them, then moved on to spoonfuls. Next jar was bought after the honeymoon, when I was stuck on the couch with scrapes and bruises from my various falls. I wasn’t even bothering with the spoon. Then, John looked at the serving size and content. He took it away from me. I called my sister (who loves the stuff) and she said “Sami, put down the Nutella!” That is my new rallying cry, it actually has a lot of meaning for me – “Step away from the Nutella, take a walk, clean the house, do something active!”

Let’s get to some more positive topics. I am healing from my recent bout of falling. This not only means the cuts and bruises but my self esteem and I am re-learning how to slow down my brain so I’m not so preoccupied. I’ve always been clumsy, but geez. Once I realized that I wasn’t paying attention to my outside world because I was so intent on all of the things I had to do. So, I’m clearing my head. Making one master list that will show me that there really isn’t that much to do, and just chilling out a little. Do I have to find a new place to live so I’m not coughing so hard I scare the cats? Yes. Do I need to find a job? Yes. Do I need to change my name on everything? Yes. Etc., etc… but it’s all doable. And, it doesn’t need to be finished by five PM today. Ahhh…deep breath.

While I’m in this moment of calm, I’m realizing that there are little things I haven’t been paying attention to. The sound of the cats’ purrs while they lie with us in the morning, the fact that I have a sense of smell since I quit smoking, and instead of despairing over the mess – I look around at the wedding gifts and realize that quite a few people out there really love John and I.

From small things to a big thing. I’m not alone. I have someone to worry about the bills, the rent, and my myriad of dr. appointments. On the flipside I also have someone to laugh with, listen to the cat purr with, and help me clean what he calls “wedding confetti.” You know what? I’m a lucky, lucky woman.